I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
