I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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