Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
