perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
