if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
What drink are we having for lunch?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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