If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
