were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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