I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize