just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
