Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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