12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
