Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
