Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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