im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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