My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize