Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize