I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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