Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
