I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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