i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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