Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
