he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize