I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
