:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
