"it" just moved
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
