you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
