true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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