I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I supernannyed him into submission
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
