I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
