I could have mohawked her pubes.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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