I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
