Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize