I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
