Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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