I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Don't make out with my wife yet
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
