I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
