I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize