ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
