Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
accomplished twins. life is a go
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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