I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
