I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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