The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
