I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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