Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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