I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
