Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
