who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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