i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
