Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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