I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
