Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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