well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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