I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
