turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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