Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
