The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
