i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
