just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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