I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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