i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Houston, we have a blender
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
